Imagining GrinchCon

“A tea + coffee crawl where people can spread peace and quiet everywhere they go.”

BY JESSE RAUB
SPECIAL TO BARISTA MAGAZINE ONLINE

This satirical piece is a response to a tweet made by U.S. Congressperson Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez about the awfulness that descends upon cities during SantaCon, a bar crawl where adults dress up like Santa Claus and consume as much alcohol as possible. In this piece, we imagine a different reality. 

Out they bound—look at them go! GrinchCon has started, even through the snow.

In costumes they skip, fuzzy, big, and green, the point of GrinchCon is not to be heard, but to be seen.

A gently frolicking group, away in the streets, the Grinches are off to do good deeds with their long fuzzy feets.

They open doors politely, and let others pass, they order teas and coffees without barking, “Hey I need that latte, fast.”

They quietly sip, after high-tipping, these high-tipping Grinches are so quietly sip-sipping.

When a cup splashes over, they wipe up the spill, these Grinches bus dishes, and other people’s dishes still.

It’s quite a sight when these Grinches alight, showcasing good behaviors and good manners all through the night.

For these Grinches, you see, aren’t green small-hearted misers,

These Grinches, dear friends, have had their hearts grow three sizes!

You see them on the street as they bop from each location,

They politely hush crude people as if it were their vocation.

And if their vocation, it seems, is to politely hush this brood,

They do it with a wink and a subtle, “How rude.”

The city, dear friends, is awash in Grinchy cheer, for it’s the large-hearted Grinch who makes it so clear:

The large-hearted Grinch is the role-model we all actually deserve,

If one could do so much, imagine how many people 300—or 1,000—large-hearted Grinches can serve.

Oh yes, dear friends, GrinchCon is here, and if you quite doubt it then cup your hand to your ear:

Nothing! It’s true, the streets are without sound, it’s the cafés with soft sip-sipping where the large-hearted Grinches are found.

Join in the clan, dear friends, we implore you: to be a large-hearted Grinch just follow the models before you:

Open doors, say hello, wait your turn, and leave tips; bus dishes, wipe spills, inform the barista covertly if the bathroom is a wreck …

… and take sip-sips.

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